Books before food (and any sort of comfortable life).
Author: Gay Walley and Kurt Haber
Publisher: Incanto Press
Published: July 15th, 2014
Genre: Adult Fiction, Contemporary, Romance
Summary: Duet is beautiful and talented and has no problem getting a man’s attention. What these men don’t know is there is something beyond appearance that makes Duet different than any other women they’ve been with. To say it simply, she has an unusual anatomy. It’s unlike anything any man has ever experienced; it might over excite one man, but terrify another. Her complexities leave her feeling like a freak and, to add to that, the men her friend Paula sets her up with are all fools. This is true until she meets a handsome young man named Oskar. He’s a successful, sexy, intelligent and witty young man who can handle her “design.” This leads to love even though he’s a bit aloof and there is something odd about him. It turns out Oskar is connected to Duet in more ways than one. Will Oskar be one of the many fools who have come and gone from Duet’s life or will their “connection” make them closer?
I received this book from the author through Bostick Communications. All opinions are my own.
I DNF’d this book at like 40% because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. The writing wasn’t even bad. I’ve read books that were a hundred times worse. After a while, though, I just couldn’t put up with this book’s ridiculous premise. When I read the summary, I figured that Duet’s “unusual anatomy” would be that she either had a penis or she had both a vagina AND a penis. Such was not the case.
He began rubbing her. Let go, she thought. Just let go, he is not going to move his hand beyond there. He only expects one vagina.
Yes, you read that right. She has two vaginas. I have never in my whole life heard of someone having two fully-functional vaginas. Clit and everything. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.
The Story: I was into the story of a woman who was trying (unsuccessfully) to find love. And I accepted the fact that it might be because she had a penis. But two vaginas? Really? Duet believes that she’ll never find love because men are awful and mean and judgmental. I don’t fault her too much for this since she has had some terrible experiences.
”What the hell are you? I’m not into weird stuff, Melody, or whatever the fuck your name is.” […] “”What is this?” he continued, spitting his words out to the wall across the room. “Ripley’s Believe it or Not?”
Yes, men can be dicks. But can you really blame him all that much? Talk about a shocker. And I understand that that’s mean and hurtful, but because of this Duet uproots her life and moves to New York. Over a guy. That she had a one-night stand with. Almost.
The Best Friend: Duet’s friend Paula was such a bitch. I don’t even know how Duet even considered her a friend. When Duet was upset about the thought of never finding someone who would truly love her, Paula would rub it in her face that she had found love. She was happy.
“Now we can walk over to each other any minute we want to. We can be together as much as we like. You need find someone who loves you like Lars loves me. You should see how he looks at me. Sometimes he says, ‘I could cry looking at you. You’re so beautiful.’ Isn’t that gorgeous?”
It may just be me, but I think that’s just so bitchy and selfish. My best friend is getting married and I’m still single, but she’s never said shit like that to me. I felt like there was no true friendship between women in this book. And on top of that, I felt like Paula was just there to emphasise the fact that Duet had no one that loved her. All she did was set Duet up on shitty blinds dates and then got a
really shitty boyfriend of her own so she could further make Duet’s life miserable. And her boyfriend, Lars, wasn’t even as charming as Paula made him out to be. When they’re having dinner in a small café, Paula goes to the bathroom to freshen herself up. When she’s gone, a man starts choking and even though Lars knows the Heimlich maneuver, he makes absolutely no attempt to save him.
Lars did know CPR, had in fact worked as a life guard in Denmark as a teenager, but he also noticed that this fat, sweaty man bursting out of his suit was wearing an Obama button as well as that stupid Vietnam-era Peace button. Lars just couldn’t make himself get up even with all that strained breathing and panic around them […]
I don’t care what someone’s political views are. If they’re choking and I can help them, I’m going to help them. But Paula just eats Lars’ bullshit right up and repeatedly tells Duet how “charming” and “sweet” he is. *Barfs.*
The Romance: The Romance in this book was such a joke. I think there was a love square by the time I stopped reading less than half way through. Let’s work backwards, shall we? The last man Duet was with was named Mitch. I’m not sure if the authors were trying to throw this guy in here to express their approval of interracial dating, but the fact that he’s white and Duet is also white does not equal interracial dating, no matter what the character says.
”I don’t even usually sleep with white women,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“I tend to have black girlfriends but I’ll try to be color blind,” he said, sweetly.
…Seriously? This is the poorest attempt at creating racial diversity that I’ve ever seen. The only guy that was actually of different race Duet wanted nothing to do with. *Facepalm.* The guy before him was Oskar. Oskar, to put it frankly, is an asshole. He has no respect for women, and the only reason he likes Duet is because he finds her “interesting.” He, apparently being thirteen instead of like thirty, makes jokes about her knowing she’s embarrassed by her situation.
”Knowing this is going to lend itself to bad puns. It’s unavoidable. It would be asking too much of me to refrain.”
“If that’s all, I can survive it. So go ahead.”
“Well, as an example,” he said, with his arm touching hers, but not holding her, “you could say this is my first ménage a trois.”
That, ladies, is a real man. Don’t worry about hurrying to find one while they’re available because they’re sadly in abundance. The only man that I actually did like in this book was David. David was sweet, kind, and he had no problem whatsoever about Duet’s two vaginas. He wasn’t “curious” about her or anything—he just loved her. It was obvious in the way that he spoke to her that he would love her no matter what.
He too was happy sitting there with the one woman he felt he was himself with. She knew him. She used to call him Finnish ice, with 7/10 of him under the surface. Most people understood 1/10 of him. She had chipped away to understand more.
Duet, however, did not feel the same way. No matter how many times David made it obvious he loved her and that he would spend the rest of his life with her, Duet always felt like his love was never enough.
She had a twinge of guilt about David. Shouldn’t she just move there and marry him? They were so easy together. But was easy what she wanted? All her life she had had a monkey on her back or between her legs and somewhere long ago, she had decided ease was not what her life was about.
Of course. Of course this perfect, loving man isn’t enough. Because why admit you’ve already found someone who will love you and be with you forever when you can bitch and complain about how lonely and unloved you are. Yep, that sounds about right.
My Breaking Point: The sex. Oh, God, the sex. I’ve never read sex scenes that were this awful. They weren’t even graphic. Just the descriptions and metaphors that were used were so ridiculous that I didn’t know whether to laugh or to give up. Obviously, I chose the latter. And here, my dear readers, is why.
[H]e spent the night playing her, going up and down the court, a pair of basketball hoops, having a helluva time, which sort of made her have a helluva time. […] And what he did, that no man had ever done, including David, was he got baskets, so to speak, from both hoops. In other words, double headers for everyone.
I am so sorry.
Overall Impression: Needless to say, I could not finish this book. In fact, I refused to finish this book. The premise was ridiculous, the female friendship was fake, and the sex scenes were laughably ridiculous. (Have you noticed that I’ve used the word “ridiculous” a lot?) On top of all of that, the main romantic interest Oskar was borderline sexist and the MC Duet was just a grown up version of a YA Mary Sue. If there is anyone who can get through this book, let me know how that goes.