Books before food (and any sort of comfortable life).
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away – so far away, in fact, that you could barely watch her from your basement window – lived a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She lived with her mother who adored her very much and made her many beautiful things. But her favorite thing was her red riding hood, hence where she got her name from.
One day, her mother gave her special brownies made with love to take to her dear, horribly racist grandmother’s house. Even though she knew her grandmother could not eat her mother’s special brownies with the medication she was on, Red’s mother insisted she take them to her right away.
As Red left her house, she became frightened, for she realized that the quickest way to get to her grandmother’s house was to go through the Lost Tiger Woods. The woods were horribly spooky and said to be inhabited by a forgotten golf player and his hundred mistresses. But Red remembered the promise to her mother – to never take funny colored candy from strangers – and Red decided to trudge on.
A little ways into the woods, Red soon became quite famished. She remembered the special brownies but knew that her grandmother would beat her if Red ate even just one. To her left were several red-capped mushrooms with white polka dots and without thinking she ate them all, falling fast asleep after taking the last bite.
When Red woke up several hours later, she found herself in a different world shining with bright colors and was surprised to see a wolf standing over her.
“Well,” said the wolf, “are you going to share those special brownies with me?”
“No!” screamed Red. “These are my grammy’s!”
Red quickly ran into the woods, not stopping for hours, crossing the river faster than Michael Phelps. She ran deeper and deeper into the forest until she came across two men dressed in green. One introduced himself as Robin Hood while the other yelled, cut grass, and broke pots.
“Can you take me to my grammy’s house please?” Red begged.
“Why of course we can! Hey, do you like candy?”
She then backed away slowly and continued to run to her grandmother’s house, which was only a little past the next babbling brook. Running into the front yard, she saw her grandmother holding a walker and yelling at the black squirrels. Her grandmother had always hated the black squirrels.
All of a sudden, Red’s grandmother flew over her and roundhouse kicked the wolf in the face, much like Chuck Norris would have except if it were Chuck Norris, the booming impact of the kick would have destroyed the universe.
“Who the hell are you?” her grandmother asked, for she had Alzheimer’s, while looking at Red and taking the special brownies.
Red then leaves her poor grandmother to her brownies and begins to go home. She remembers all the weird things that happened to her on her trip there so she makes sure to stay in the middle of the safest path this time. Little did she know that this was an actual road and that there was a car coming her way, going at a slow 150 miles per hour. All of a sudden the car hits her.
Little Red Riding Hood woke up in her neighbor’s backyard, covered in special brownie crumbs. She got up and went back into her house, not noticing the figure behind her neighbor’s basement window…